I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude i'm inner monologue high
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I take back everything I said about communal showers
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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