Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
