I will die if light touches me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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