Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
