hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
