We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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