a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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