Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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