I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
