just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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