We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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