FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
