Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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