I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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