he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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