goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
