if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize