last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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