I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
