Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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