I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
