Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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