sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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