Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
