Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
