Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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