she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
