you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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