I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
