Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
