Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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