Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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