Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
