Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
