I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
