At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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