Your dad touched me again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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