I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
