I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
