What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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