Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
the raccoons are back...
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