i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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