you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
