I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
