even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
