Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
