I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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