I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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