I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
