seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
