You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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