I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
