I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
