He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
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