We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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