I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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