He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it hurts more in the daytime
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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